This is the reality.

This is the reality. This world is cruel. If u can't face it, u cant move on. U will be left behind. Y is my world so different from this reality.

This is getting crazy. I can't do a shit. I eat when I vomit wat. I keep on hitting my chest. My headache is so painful that even I climb stairs I must hold on the railing. Wat I shld do ? I can feel that I am fainting on my bed.

I cannot take this anymore. Y do u have to do that? Y did u tell me ? Putting salt to my wound. Is it that u wan me to let go of u?

I can't cry out, I can't scream or shout. I still have to do duty. This is killing me man. U gave me hope and u give me death sentance.

This pain is worse then before. Argh, biting my finger so tight. Hope that I can bite off my fingers.

Lost and lost and lost

Aljh wat do u want me to do ?

Sent from my iPhone

I still love u, hope that u Noe. <3

I really don Noe.

I really don Noe. How u do it. I Noe I am not with you. Yet wat u say in the past and wat u doing now is all different. All this drinking, not going home, and stuffs. So u have done it with him, so does that mean u love him ? That wat u say to me in the past.

This is killing me. So I am waiting here for you. I Noe u didt ask me to wait. But is this wat I am waiting for?

Slapping my own face. Wake up from this nightmare. Tell me that all this is not true. Tell me that this is just a bad dream.

So wat I have to do now? I really don Noe. Guess that everything I can accept, yet only "that" I can't accept. This is hell. I can't sleep. It just keep running in my mind. This is so painful. Zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz

I am really lost now.

And u had been suffering of this for so long ? I really wonder wat I done to let u feel this way. All because of trust and insecurity? But I say I will never leave you. And i noe even for now it is still the truth. So wat do I have to do now? Wish that u are happy ?

This is worse then I thought. I don Noe wat to say or type le. My mind... And heart...

I need pain badly.

hearing your voice is one thing, listen to wat u say is another thing.

Aljh

You are like a kite, that I have let go to fly. But I have left a string tie to you. Flying is wat u want, that y I let u go. Yet out there, there is lot of rain and sun, u change your colour. But I still hope that when I reel u back or one day when u fly back u are still the kite I love. I really hope so. But will the string snap and u fly off with the wind? I really don Noe, the string is so thin and weak. I don mind the rain and sun, but I am still here. Holding the string tightly and tie it to my finger. Hoping that one day, it will be back.

There is only good ending in fairy tales right ? How I wish that I am in the story book now.

Sent from my iPhone

How can I sleep? I wonder. This is all different yet so similar. I don Noe wat to say. And I seriously don Noe wat to do. But I hope I can hold on and just listen wat I want to listen.

How can I sleep? I wonder. This is all different yet so similar. I don Noe wat to say. And I seriously don Noe wat to do. But I hope I can hold on and just listen wat I want to listen.

Shit, this is all fk shit.

I'm not perfect, but I'll keep trying. That wat I say to you from the start.

I love you. Seriously. But I don Noe I love "u", or I love u. Not past tense.

Changes.

This antidote is a poison. It help me alot now, but on other hand it is killing me slowly.

Happy yet sad
Cried and crying

hope u sleep tight my peng you

Maybe I shld cry myself to sleep again

ALJH if only I can see u now.

Sent from my iPhone

Fallen

I am glad i ask you. I cant even sleep well. Everyday just kept thinking of u to sleep. Luckly your ans is more of a universal ans. I hope maybe the least that u are hinting me. Or ... i don noe wat to think off le. U really don love me anymore ? Can u tell me ? U hope i will woo u back ? I noe i say i will. But do u think this way too ? Seriously, i already don noe which day is today or wat. I only remember that night and everything seem to stop there till now. I feel very helpless. Can someone please help me ? I really need it now. I really need u now baby. But in your life, do u still need me ? Tell me please. In watever way. I already don noe le. I cant eat, cant sleep and i still cannot talk to anyone. And i still have to act that i am fine. This is FKing tiring !! Typing is not helping me anymore man. Zzz... I feel like fainting.

If i going to die, will u come back to me ? If i really happen something very bad, will u come see me ? I had already thought of this le, if i am on the verge of dieing, I will call u. And tell u i love you. And all i regret is i never give u my 101%.

Crying, typing, thinking, unable to eat, unable to sleep. All this shit, this is worse then outfield or anything i had suffer before. I rather now i kidney infection again. Lying on the hospital bed there. Using medication to sleep. And when i wake up, u are by my side. Looking after me. I really hope this will happen. But this is no fairy tale. I noe that. I will take this punishment. But when will this end ? Or do i really have any hope at all. I can feel that as days pass, it is getting harder and harder to pass. Can i even handle it man. Can i live one day normally ?? Or do i have to bang by a car on the head. Then forget everything, and let me reset.

i already fking desperate and depress le. HOw long more or how much more do i have to suffer to have u back ? Am i really so hard to love ? Or am i really that painfull to love ? I really wonder.

I don even noe wether u will be watching all this anot. But i can only lie to myself. That maybe, maybe one day. U think of me. And u look for me. And u watch my blog. May be u noe how i feel. Maybe u can give me a chance ? Or just let us restart everything. From friends start. Now, even i wan to sms u, i also can feel it is very hard for u to reply. I just only wan to noe the truth. Your honest word from your heart. and all this changing happening in your life. is this all revenge to me ? Or this is actually wat u heart want form the start ?

I need ans. But how am i gona noe. I really don noe. When will be our next meeting ? When will i hear your voice again ? Will i able to see u again ? Can i ever feel you again? Can i ever smell your hair again ? So many question. When where how wat why ?

I am glad at least i am not like aaron. But so wat my personality is like this, i cant even win you back. I really don noe how am i going to face my future. Every weekend ? all my off. I don even noe i clear for wat ? i cant even sell my off. All my public holidays ? I really already don noe le. Your life is still the same. But for mine ? Wat will it be ? If i am wrong about you, please tell me. Cause i still care about you. Your days in school, what u do ? who u meet ? Wat u eat ? Who u go home ? Feeling well ? Everything about you. I wan to noe. But will u let me noe ?? I am stupid. I agree. But i really need hints that is clear to me or i don noe. And i will only think and think. I am afraid i think too much, too optismistic. If i really don have a chance already. In the future. Please tell me too. I mean it. As in fking no chance, Please tell me.

So wat we talk that morning. Near the bus stop. Is it still valid anot ? so is this still a breakup/time up ? Or this is a Breakup liao. No more coming back. I don noe alot of things. But i don mind to find out the ans.

I really fking confuesd, my mind is in a blank. Tell me girl. Will i ever get u back ?

Cried
sick

ALJH I am sorry for being stupid. But i will still like to noe...

Dear Dickson Lim, You are an outgoing and cheerful person. Although you get frustrated sometimes, you get through hard times easily and are joyful again.
Your friendly personality makes you attractive in the eyes of the opposite sex, but this makes your spouse feel insecure. Your lack of emotion is a disadvantage, but your candor has made you popular.
Conclusion: ...
웃 : Friends of your gender find it hard to understand you.
웃 : You have an innocent thinking.
웃 : But it attracts members of the opposite sex.

This is so true... yet this time i don think i can make it through anymore... I am sorry i make u insecure... and my lack of emotion... zzz...

ALJH

Is that a hint ? Or am did i imagined it again. I noe i am stupid. But it just feel like i just keep on hoping for something, then being push down and fallen to pieces. I really love you. but i don wan to be a dumb ass, i don like to be toyed with.

Fk man, how i hope i am clever enough to understand this. Is this a hint or wat ? If this is wat i think it is, then i will prove it to you. Of course. If that is the wish that never come true, then i will make it come true. To me, losing you is already like my world had broke apart. I slowly finding lost pieces of wat i can find and finding a new goal and life. but if my world is back again, i will make it a better world. Cause that is the world that i want to live in. i know that from the deep of my heart.

I am only afraid that wat u left there is not for me. So that is also showing that u move on with your life. And time will prove to you that someone will be able to woo you and make you heal back all the pain that i give you. I really don noe wat to think off. So many possiblilty and so little proof. I just hope that u will be the one that i noe from my heart. Cause if one day, i really mange to woo you back. I will hug you like mad, and cry in your hug telling you how much i miss you during this dark period. I don noe man. Y am i crying so badly now. Now is still day man, i cannot be so weak man. U really broke me hard girl, cause u noe where is my weak spot.

Fk man, i really hope that i am not a fool, and get fooled by this msg. I don think i can take this anymore. Another push to hell.

For now, i will take it as a hint. At least for now i still have something to hold on and move on. Thks. If that msg really is meant for me.

I rather be a fool cause i have nothing to hold and move on now.

Cried
Afriad but glad

ALJH sorry that i am stupid.

Confused

Thinking alot of things. Y did u call me on thru to tell me that ? Did en tell you ? Or did read m blog ? And did u really don love me anymore ? I shld say u forget me so fast ? How did u do that ? I really wonder. Continue your life, and change alots. Going home later, almost every night. Drinking alots. And hang out with lots of guys. Y is this happening ? It is not tat i can control anything. But Y did u change so much ? And so fast. I am really puzzeled. U are not the girl i noe anymore. 3 weeks only. Or is all this planned ? I really don noe. So many questions again. I really don wan to give up on you. Cause i noe tat i really love you. But y are u doing all these? I am really depressed, and yet u still can do all this like nothing had happen before. Is this all your revenge or the punishment i had to take ?

Or all this is just i thinking too much ? I really hope i can woo u back some day. But now, even as a friend. Like you say, you are avoiding me. Saying that your shedule is tight and other stuffs. I really don noe le. I am tired and sick. I just hope tat i can go back to before i went to wallaby.
Now, All i can wish is, I can meet u like a normal friend. How can i move on, When i am still in love with you. This is killing me. I am so stress and pain till i feel like cutting myself. Zzz... so tempting. I need to feel real pain.

I just hope, as my birthday wish. I noe i cant have u back as a gf. But at least, a friend. I mean really damn it a friend. At least i still can care for u or noe your status all those. Is it really difficult ? Azlin ?

If u really don hate me, then don ran away from me. If i never love you so much, will i still suffer now ? I never regret being with you. I only regret that i cant make you stay. But please don leave me and my world a mess. Damn it man. If only u can noe my real feelings. How much i wish tat u can be able to let me speak. Typing all these is not helping at all. AZLIN !! PLEASE... ... I really hope i can " die " now. Zzz...

Crying
Regretfull

ALJH What is the wish u wish for ? and never come true ?

ALJH

Before the worst

It's been a while since the two of us talked
About a week since the day that you walked
Knowing things would never be the same
With your empty heart and mine full of pain

So explain to me, How it came to this
Let's take it back to the night that we kissed
It was Dublin city on a Friday night
With vodkas and coke, I was (...)

We were sitting with our backs against the world
Saying things that we thought but never heard
Who would have thought it would end up like this?

But everything we talked about is gone
And the only chance we have of moving on
Was trying to take it back before it all went wrong

Before the worst
Before we met
Before our hearts decided it's time to love again
Before today
Before too long
Let's try and take it back before it all went wrong

There was a time that we'd stay up all night
Best friends, yeah, talking til the daylight
Took the joys alongside the pain
With not much to lose but so much to gain

Are you hearing me? Cz I don't wanna miss
That you would drift on memory bliss
It was Grafter street, on a rainy night
I was down on one knee and you were mine for life

We were thinking we would never be apart
With your name tattooed across my heart
Who would have thought it would end up like this?

But everything we talked about is gone
And the only chance we have of moving on
Was trying to take it back before it all went wrong

Before the worst
Before we met
Before our hearts decided it's time to love again
Before today
Before too long
Let's try and take it back before it all went wrong

This is wat i want. I pray to the god that i don believe. PLease. This shall be my birthday wish.

At the beach now, alone,

At the beach now, alone. Just thinking of you. Wat are u doing and stuff. Wind blowing on me, but it can't bring my pain away. How I hope u are by my side. Holding your hand, and watch the blue blue sky. I Noe I still love you, but I don Noe wether I am still in your heart. How I hope we are still together. You give me happiness and hope. But now, wat a different story. Can I have one more chance? I ask myself. Hoping for the most impossible thing . I Noe all are the past le. It been days. And u have change. Do u still love me? I really don Noe. Just hope u are ok, and move on. And I will take the pain and keep on regret. If I have one more chance, will u ever come back to me?? ... ...

9 days.
Still crying...

Sent from my iPhone

Break even

I'm still alive but I'm barely breathing
Just prayed to a God that I don't believe in
'Cause I got time while she got freedom
'Cause when a heart breaks, no it don't breakeven

Her best days will be some of my worst
She finally met a man that's gonna put her first
While I'm wide awake she's no trouble sleeping
'Cause when a heart breaks, no it don't breakeven, even, no

What am I suppose to do
When the best part of me was always you and
What am I suppose to say
When I'm all choked up and you're okay

I'm falling to pieces, yeah
I'm falling to pieces

They say bad things happen for a reason
But no wise words gonna stop the bleeding
'Cause she's moved on while I'm still grieving
And when a heart breaks, no it don't breakeven, even, no

What am I gonna do
When the best part of me was always you
And what am I suppose to say
When I'm all choked up and you're okay

I'm falling to pieces, yeah
I'm falling to pieces, yeah
I'm falling to pieces
(One's still in love while the other one's leaving)
I'm falling to pieces
('Cause when a heart breaks, no it don't breakeven)

You got his heart and my heart and none of the pain
You took your suitcase, I took the blame
Now I'm tryna make sense of what little remains, oh
'Cause you left me with no love and no love to my name

I'm still alive but I'm barely breathing
Just prayed to a God that I don't believe in
'Cause I got time while she got freedom
'Cause when a heart breaks, no it don't break
No it don't break, no it don't breakeven, no

What am I gonna do
When the best part of me was always you
And what am I supposed to say
When I'm all choked up and you're okay

I'm falling to pieces, yeah
I'm falling to pieces, yeah
I'm falling to pieces
(One's still in love while the other one's leaving)
I'm falling to pieces
('Cause when a heart breaks, no it don't breakeven)

Oh, it don't breakeven, no
Oh, it don't breakeven, no
Oh, it don't breakeven, no

It been 6 days le, my heart just can't let u down. Didt

It been 6 days le, my heart just can't let u down. Didt
get the time to write anything. Cause phone get caught by mp. Omg, this is painful man. Wat do u mean ? In your facebook ?? Is it the end ?? I can't think optismistic anymore. We went to en chalet. I still bring hope, some where in my heart. I Noe tat we are link. I am sorry to let u worry. And I did change. Treat u as a friend. But now wat is this ?? So u move forward and forget about me ? Is that wat u mean ?? This is painful. I don Noe how am I gona take it. U give me hope to move on, yet u are also the one to crush my hope.
So wat does tat mean ? So many possbilities. So everything tat happen at chalet was just a lie ? U wan to show your friends u are strong ? U really hate me and wan to forget about me fully? Move on, will not dwell in your past ? So did I really give you lots of pains and hurt ?? So I have to suffer now ?? All these shit.

At least I knew tat. I really love u, and I will never betray you to be with another girls. Y do I have all these treatment ? I kept on lying to myself. But now wat u type is the truth ?? So many what and why? Or since the very start, u wanted to break out ?? Or ... ... So many or. So in our life there is no more if ??

I really don Noe. Everyday in my life. I only noe I miss u. And this is really come from my heart. So wat does your heart say ? I wan to Noe ?? So y en say tat we will surely be together again. So everything he and you talk about is all a lie ?? Or both of you are talking about other things ?? How can I let this go man?? Why does he always have to be with you when u need me ? So are u continuing your life with a new love now ?? So do I have to wait ?? Wat do I have to do ?? Is it really I relies on you too much till I don noe wat to do anymore ?? No way back to our past ?? So do we still have a future ??

Zzz... So many question, yet there is no answer at all. Y ?? Y ?? It been like this for my life. Do I have to live with this forever ?? Is tat y I get to Noe things my way. Understand everything myself ?? I already don Noe sia. This is too much man. Y do I always have to be ditch by the girl I like or love. Yet so many other girls tat I don wan just keep on coming ?? Haizz...

God tell me please. If u are there ?? Please I need answers. If u are there. Please....

Sent from my iPhone

If u are dale, then i will be yiur chip.

Regrets

3rd day of our break, It still hurts me like hell. Watching all my older posts and my photos. I realize it. I never ever been a good boyfriend at all. Never, ever since we stead. Y ? Y am i so ... . I already don noe wat to say. I am not boyfriend material. Didt i change ever since ? Am i really so weak ? My heart and mind. I cant sleep or eat well. Is all these punishment ? If these are all punishment, I will take it !! But do i get a chance ? To get everything back ?? Tell me, please. These is the first time, in my life. Tat i wish tat there is a god. Can u tell me wat to do. I noe it is too late, but i still love her. Love her damn lots, She is my world. Can i use my whole world to exchange for her ?? TELL ME PLEASE. I am really suffering. Suffering man. First ever time, I wanted to cry. Cry everything out. Shout and scream everything out. But i cant. I dont noe how. All this pain, i wan to let you noe. But how can i let you noe ??

I want to let you rest. Really baby. But i also really scare tat u change and never come back. Leaving me behind, and get swallow in the darkness. You really pull me out from the darkness once, but now. Are u going to throw me back ? Let me go to the deepest darkness ? I already can see all your changes. Going back late, Drinking more. Are all these wat u wanted to do ? And finally u get to do all these ? I really want to know. How the hell i can noe ? So wat i have your fb acct and msn ? I cant even noe wat u are thinking. I don even noe how am i going back camp. I really don noe wat am i going to do. Just for tml, I already don noe wat am i going to do. Everything in me just go hay wire. My whole body. So does't this mean i really love you so much ?

All those old post and old photos really bring all the memories back man. And even now, everything tat i see, do and remembered, all just keep telling me that u are the one. But how ? How can i win you back ?

Do u really regret teaching me how to read the code ?

Can i ever win you back ? Please tell me. Please. I just need a ans.

Cried ? YES

ALJH

Regrets

Today is the second day of our breakup. Still fking miss u. But for our future I had to
do this. I have to think of wat I am doing when I ord and stuff. I guess u already Noe
wat u are doing le. So all left shld be me nia. I don Noe wether wat u told me
yesterday, is to let me continue or just to play with me. But I don care, I don wan
to waste time on tat. If not I will never move on from tat step. I am glad tat u
thought me how to read tat. But I didt Noe tat u have regret teaching me tat. In a
good or a bad way ? U make me really confuse. But it ok. Without all these shit and
pain, wat will still push me on to excel. I also don wan last minute. It time I do
something for myself. Nothing is gona happen without excute it. Went to do some fico
this morning, everything is so different man. Not msging u, update you. Everything
seem so wrong. I don noe how u are handling it. But this is killing me. Maybe all
the pain I gave u, had already nullified all these. I don Noe how long I will be
doing this. If only we have some time out time out time. I hope I can handle this.
Putting up a fake smile up, forcing the other me to take over this body.

I had already plan quite a few stuff le, timing for this shit and some of my future
planning. I decide to try my chance on rp and if tat fail, I will go for private.
And chiong for 3 years degree. I have to catch up to your timing at least. If not
I cannot imagine wat age am I going to marry u. I get it, from wat u say tat u want
to marry at the age of 23. So tat leave with 4 years. I must at least have a stable
job by tat time. So if I can't make it any of these shit then how am I going to find
worthy of u. I really hope I can out my 100 percent in studying. I Noe I can do it,
I have done it in my gunnery. I really hope tat I can do it to my studies too.

I won't be not contacting u during the years, I hope at least we can be friend.
Then I still can motivate myself. But tat is also not my call. I may be very
selfish bah, I really don Noe wat your heart thinks. I don Noe if u really still
love me? Give me a chance again ? Restart the whole thing or u really wana break
with me? Stop contacting me? Fk off my life forever? Is not I don trust u baby.
But I Noe u are the stubborn kind and I really did give u lots of pain. And maybe
u really don't need me anymore. I Noe this is a time out. But I really don wan to
lose u. Cause u are really my all. I really don noe my life without you is how sia.
The fear in me, is killing me. I don't even think I can survie so long not contacting u at all.

If only, I got u back. I will love u fking lots. Cause I don wan to be alone for my

the rest of my life. And only u, u are the one I wan to be together forever. I have the fear now, I will bring the fear with me. So tat, I will remind myself how much important u are to me. U are really irreplaceable. My heart and mind is killing me everyday. The feeling, the puking, the tears and the fear. I really don Noe how I am going to pass these days. This is even worse then army and all the shits in the world man. Zzz...

God, if u are there. Please hear me out. I really need her back. I am willin to 
exchange my everything just for her. If u are there. Please. I don mind to be a 
follower. As long as she come back.

Cried ? Yes

ALJH