No calls...

No calls...

As expected, really no phone calls. Haizz... My heart is like a bomb. Pounding so hard, till I can hear it. Every minute, every sec seem to be slower then ever. Every phone ring, every vibration startle me. Waiting for the one and only contact. Yet I was just waiting for nothing. Raining the whole day, finally stopping now. So cold yet so warm. My heart and brain is there, yet empty. Can't concentrate on anything. Even sleep. What have I become, I ask myself. Once, confident and optimistic. Now, weak, lost , confuse and afraid. Jealousy is killing me, thinking of the worst ending that can ever happen.

Yet my heart is there asking me, pushing me. Not to give up. A small light in my heart, there supporting my whole body. Photos that we taken, flashes in my mind. All the happiness just come flowing in me. Missing the time, when I just watch the SMS u send me. And smiling. Thinking of u. Thinking wat are u doing? What are u wearing? What new things happen in your life? Thinking of u, hoping u thinking of me too.

Blaming myself, for not doing better. Losing you, losing to another guys, losing your feelings. Never do well before wallaby, never do well on wallaby, never do well after wallaby. Last but but least, not doing well on Christmas. Now, wat am I to u. I don ever noe. Hoping that everything will be back like last time. But it ain't gona happen. Isn't it ? God, I can control my life. Yet I am not controlling well. Biggest regret ? Losing u. Hope ? Not to lose u fully, and get u back. I noe I cam be better and I only want you to have the best of me.

Wishing to noe wat u are thinking. Hoping that i am in your mind now.

Just hope that u are sleeping well and tight. Feel healthy too. I am sorry girl. I am no bad boy, I can't even think of finding a new girl and move on, and forget about you. I rather wait there, Hoping that u will come back. I noe i am stupid, but I rather be stupid and wait there. So when u really need someone there. I will be there for u. I noe I am not there for u when u need me sometimes. Saying the wrong things everytime. But in my heart, I just want to care for u. And really love u with my heart. I noe I am just a simple guy, wanting a simple life. And you always adventures, trying new things, following your dreams. If that is wat u want? I don mind following you, cause I only want to be there with you. At every important point in your life. With you only. So please girl. Come back to me. Look at me once again. Look at out pictures, and tell me that I am still in your heart. I am weak, but all I need, is your helping hand. So please pull me, and let me be by your side. :):)

Sweet dreams.

ALJH 5ever.

All my pain is worth it. Just hope tat you will like it girl. :)

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??

??

Can I even trust these reading ? Am I really thinking too much ? Or I am trying too hard ? Or I am not trying enough ? And not caring enough ? Wat is wat ? Zzz...

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All wrong...

All wrong...

My tarots card reading ask me to be calm for today.

And did I do the right thing ? Tell me girl. Today just SMS-ing you only. Did I do right ? We didt talk in phone at all and our SMS is short and quick. And I don even noe wether u finish your project already anot.

What did I do wrong ? When and why ? I shld not ask u wether wat time u end sch today? All I want, is to noe and plan. Noe wether I can meet u anot and plan with my bookout timing. And everything just goes wrong after that SMS ? When u reach home yesterday before sleeping. We are still ok. Right ? Or am
I too overconfidence again ? We just get to meet one weekend a everything just turn back to square one. Again ? Wat did I do wrong this time ? Tell me please. U are avoiding me. No calls, short SMS and no meet ups.

So now, everything is one sided ? So are u telling me that your feelings is fading again?

Y am I upset ? Cause I really want to put in effort, and I don't get to show you. And am I really forcing you to meet me ? Since when ? Is wat is say ? Or wat I text then is gu lan ? U gotta tell me girl.

With you now like this. I can't talk to u, or even text to u about this. Cause we will only end up back to square one. Or even worse. U gotta let me try and not let me die. Or is your feelings fading away. Till is gone soon ? So all the talking before the chalet and the weekend we spent is all nothing ?

What is in your mind ? U gotta tell me. Let me noe. I feel very lonely here. Is like I am alone. Waiting for someone, but actually is all my I imagination.

Girl, am I somebody in your heart ? Or a nobody ?

So many problems... My bro, my camp mates. The hk trip. But all I wan is to settle our relationships first. All I want to get u back first. That all I want and need.

Girl, I ask u one question k. When u look at our photos, how do you feel? Just ans me this k. I have my ans. But I want to hear yours.

Oh god, when then I can prove to you, show to you that I care ? All the goals I set, and the deadline I made. All is bullshit. My calculations can't win fate.
I losing faith. Will u be there to hold my hand ? Can I reach out for you hand ? I hate cold and dark places.

This sucks. I want to noe your thoughts. Is there a 5ever for us? U are losing faith too ? Right?

ALJH. <3 u girl. Swear to god and cross my heart.

I just want my fairytale to end with a " and they live happily ever after ".

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What is wrong ?

What is wrong ?

What is wrong this week ? I have a good start, but why is it ending like this ? I feel that I am actually a somebody, in your heart. But because of a question, asking what time u free. I become a nobody. I felt that we are doing great? How and why does it happen ? And my friends? What is wrong man. Soccer game goes wrong, friends saying I pang sei. Doing last minute guard duty now.

Everything is wrong. I am not blaming anybody. Or scolding the god. Just wanting to noe where goes wrong? What I done? What have I say?

I don't to be like dou. Self pity. Zzz... Bastard.

Being a jack of all trades is really a somebody and a nobody.
I get it now. I am somebody to my friends. But I am a nobody cause I don't have a best friend. I don't even feel that I can talk to you girl. Don noe y, is my life boring? When I feel to tell something that happen in my life, u just don't wan to hear it. I don noe y. I really want to learn how to read someones mind. Guessing and follow your feeling is bring u no where pal.

Everyone want comfort, but nobody is willing to give it. Jr, ben, weiting, gabriel, etc. Get to see the darker side of man. I am one too, knowing my weakness, yet I can't overcome it. Is it I am too weak ? Or I don have the self discipline and determination ? Zzzz... If I have a older bro or sister jiu Hao. Zzz... I always need guidance. Zzz... Hate myself. Argh...

But life gotta move one, time is not waiting. Cause I am not able to live forever...

Can I be your somebody permanently and not a nobody.

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Am I ? Nobody.

Am I ? Nobody.

Am I back to square one again ? Or is just that I am trying too hard? I really force u to meet me mah ? Am I giving u pressure? I am not thinking for you again ?

I just want to meet u, on your free time. I am not asking u to skip classes or don't do project and ask you come to meet me. I never say u can't go to your gathering. Girl, to u, am I really that not understanding ?

I really wan you to finish your project too, always see u last minute rush and stuff. Really dont like it. I know u are always lazy, and now u want to do your project, how would I want to stop u girl ? And your family gathering. I understand your family always have gathering during the cny period. And I never asking u not to attend. I noe that this kind of gathering is a must show face thing. I just feel sad for not able to meet u as much this weekend. Bit I never force u girl. Is my SMS or the way I talk to you very gui lan ? I don't even noe I sound like this. :(:( I am not being possessive girl. I noe that I am not your bf yet, and u are changing, you need more time to meet your friends, and u have a tight shedule this year, espically this month and the following month. Because of your final year exams and your project. You want to achieve your goals, and having a bf is not priority now. So I shld not be possessive and expecting u to give me your time to meet me. I noe that girl.
So if I really can't meet u, I don't mind. And if u really have a little time left, all I ask is that little time. To meet you, see you. :):) tat all I want. After every book out, see u and get charge up for book in on Sunday. I may not be your life, but girl, you are my life.

All these talking just now, it feel like, I am a nobody.

Maybe I am really a nobody now. But I want to be a somebody in your life. Am I asking too much ? Did I get sloppy again or wat ? Just tell me. Cause I can't see myself girl, only u can. So please tell me.

Lucky that I have guard duty, guess I shld head back and stone there, better then lying on bed and watch the walls.

Sleep tight girl, I just want u to be fine. If I am irritating you, then let me know k. I will distance myself. how can I woo a girl who hate me ? Sweet dreams girl. Cover blanket.

ALJH.

Sent from my iPhone

Girl, good luck for your test k. Hope u can make it for your test. Really enjoy my weekends alots. Gotta spend it with you. Wanted to ask u how u feel about your weekend de. But never ask. But i noe myself tat I doing so so only. I easily failed two mornings. By saying the wrong ans. I have to buck up in tat. Morning are importants, if not how to have good start for the day. Haizz... Really hope u enjoy your weekends with me. We tried two new restaurants and walk quite a long way to dobby. :):)

Girl, good luck for your test k. Hope u can make it for your test. Really enjoy my weekends alots. Gotta spend it with you. Wanted to ask u how u feel about your weekend de. But never ask. But i noe myself tat I doing so so only. I easily failed two mornings. By saying the wrong ans. I have to buck up in tat. Morning are importants, if not how to have good start for the day. Haizz... Really hope u enjoy your weekends with me. We tried two new restaurants and walk quite a long way to dobby. :):)

Really can't wait to see u and meet you for my coming weekends. Hope I can do better. We going out on Saturday. Having sushi and buying present for ben. Wonder how Friday will be. But I hope will have early bookout first. :):)

I still haven get you yet. So must jia you for me. Really happy, spending my time with u. Hope u feel the same too.

ALJH 5ever. No pain, No gain.

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Worried

Worried

Girl, I am very worried about you. Even though u say u will recover very fast, but see u scratching your neck like this. And you trying to cough. I really felt very helpless. I really want to let you try different medicine. Med that I always take when sick. But I noe tat u won't like it. But I really really want you to feel better. Is like want to help you, yet I can only shoick you and check on you. I really feel very bad and helpless. I am thinking other ways now to help u. 凉tea don noe got use anot. If u dare to eat chinese med jiu good. Just go get the powder.

Haizz...

Girl ah, I noe u are now doubting and thinking wether I am the right one for you anot. And u are afraid that everything will go back to square one again. Girl, I will take us to the next level k. I really want you back and I really want to be the one to give u happiness. So, I want you to noe, girl. Even we cross some borders, i getting something when only I shld be your bf then can get, I will still remember that we are still not together yet and I will do my best to woo u back. My every book out spending on you only. And getting new memories for our "new " relationship. I swear, I want and will make your reading from the tarots cards truth. I really want u back to be my gf, my spouse and my wife. I want you in my life, for now and in my future. Even if u are busy in the following months so wat, if we really get together. I will still do my best to plan outings together. And make use of our free time, our offs and public holidays. I don wan to lose you anymore le. So please slowly trust me k. Let me show u and gain your trust k. I may be slow but I won't give up. Love you damn lots girl. <3

ALJH 5ever. No pain, No gain.

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Feeling...

Feeling...

Am I pissing u again ? Haizz... Sad, I don wan you to feel piss. Is it because my slow and late reply? Or u are tired. Not enough sleep ? Or is my words ?

Am I trying too hard again ? Or not trying enough today?

I don wan this to happen? Wat shld i do?

I am just sloppy today. I noe it. Girl, I just wan to treat u right. And I noe u are du Lan of me
Today. I wan to pay u back. But how? Friday ?

I really felt bad. Haizz... I only can wait till tml ? Tml still have turn out. Zzz... After turnout, and other shits, I scare it will be 4 plus 5 book out again. Spoil my plan again. Really hope tml no turn out.

Faster go home bah my girl. Really miss you badly.

ALJH 5ever. :/:/

Sent from my iPhone

Girl, I don noe y. But I feel that we still got a tiny gap between us. Is it I thinking too much ? Or is that you are changing ? Haizz... Maybe is I thinking too much bah. Or is I doing too much again. I don wan to make u du lan or angry again. Very bad for me now.

Girl, I don noe y. But I feel that we still got a tiny gap between us. Is it I thinking too much ? Or is that you are changing ? Haizz... Maybe is I thinking too much bah. Or is I doing too much again. I don wan to make u du lan or angry again. Very bad for me now.

Must be careful. I really want u back. I shld't take risk. Just do the safe and the right things.

Sleep tight girl. Hope tml will be a better day. :):) sleep tight ans sweet dreams. :):)

ALJH 5ever. No pain, No gain.

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Sleepless night 2

Sleepless night 2

Girl, really glad that we are back on contact. Phones, SMS and meet up. Things seem to e going well now. Hope that keep up, and I really hope I can think a way out asap.

But I am still a little bother by the mms u send to Stan. Even u have reject him, but I still feel a bit insecure. Maybe I am still in camp. Shld be sleeping soundly now with you, yet I am thinking this stupid thing. Guess this is thinking too much. Is it ?

Really missing u badly girl. All the pics that u send me. If I can make it to photos. Or just one photos then I jiu can put on my mirror and see your face everyday le. But of course i hope I can see your real face everyday. The big eyes, your cheeks and your smooth skin. Missing everything. So many ppl wooing u, guess u also quite happy bah. Your market still quite high.

Now I just hope I can faster woo u back and make u back into the gf that once love me so much. If only I could. My bad habits, I an feel that it will come back sooner or later. Which is not good. Gotta think of a plan fast.

Sleep tight my girl, can't wait to call u in the morning. :):) sweet dreams. :):)

ALJH 5 ever. No pain, No gain.

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Can't ease my heart down.

Can't ease my heart down.

I don wan to share you girl. Fk man. This feeling suck, and the weather turn cold and rain. Everything is not right at all. Fk man. I don't wan this to happen.

This is fking crazy. I can't stop thinking man. Zzz... I can't sleep, I can't play, I can't watch. I can't do anything. My mind is full of jealousy and hatred. Zzz...

Can this end asap please. Zzz... Y am I feeling more anger then sadness ? Haizz... Gotta calm down.

Everything just wait till night bah. Just hope everything is alright.

ALJH.

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New start

Woke up early today for breakfast, but breakfast suck. Only have 3 fried scallop. Stupid man. Then eat bread. Went back to slumber.

Wake up again. For blood test at mo. Simple drawing blood, but took a long time as there is not enough medics.

Sorry girl, thought u have wake up. But it seem that u are still tired. Go rest bah. :):) finally u can rest well jiu make use bah.

U guess I am getting a bit confidence but I shld not. If not I will be back to square 1 again. And I check both horoscope and tarot cards. Both are warning me. :(:( so better don't give stun.

But in my heart, I am really afraid of Stan. Even though u never accept him or wat. But he seem to thought u are ok with the "us" thingy. Very insecure feeling, but I also can't do anything.

But I will just do my best bah. Thinking of ways to do better. So for now, won't be persisten or forceful. Just let nature take it course bah. Rest well k, girl. :):)

ALJH 5ever. No pain, no gain.

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New Goals...

Really felt better after seeing you girl. Finally feel the peacefulness and feel like sleeping anywhere anytime. You really can make me calm down. I cannot think that, what if one day i really lose u forever... ... That might be the end of my life too.

Went to look for the popeye outlet in punggol. After riding one big round and checking my iphone, i finally found it near the Plant nursery. Where the temple is but much dipper in. Near the river, that is still under construction. Soon to open, i guess.



The outlet seem small, and quite alot of ppl there. I think it is quite well known there le. Really cant wait to bring you there and try the food there. Maybe the river there is open and we can go there walk walk.
While going back, saw alot of ppl flying kite. And this uncle who is flying one look at me and smile. Lol, smiled back thought. Maybe he saw i taking pics bah. And it seem that there is a carnival there. Kite day i suppose. selling kite and give freebies. But i just head home.

Now i just hoping that u have not accept stan's request and thinking of ways to prevent me to fallen to this state again. I am really scare and afraid. But i booking in, which mean 5 days to think again. I guess. Hope i can find some way. Cause i really don wan to disappoint u again le. Haizz...

But today seem to be a good day for me. As i get to meet you in the morning which make me great, and get calls from u again yesterday night. And so i check my fortune, tarot cards. and it really shock me.

Hope i can really get my happiness. and give you happiness too. ^^ Just hope u will be going home early and sleep early too. Today u shld be able to sleep bah. Really already missing you badly girl. Please take care of your health k. ^^

ALJH 5ever. No Pain, No Gain.

Sleepless night

Girl, hope that you are sleep tight now. Let me take your load away from you and help you take. Sleep well and tight k.

The time now is 4.38 am. Haizz... The thought of other ppl wooing you and the probability of you accepting one of them, really is killing me. I cabt put myself to sleep. Even though you called me, but this does not ease my heart at all. So many guys, and my odds now. Everything does't seem good to me at all. I want to worked hard and prove it to you. But do i really have the chance ? I cant even pray to god. I think i can only pray to you now. Be my goddness bah.

I am full of flaw, but i am really trying my best to be flawless. So please k. May you one day be soft hearten by me bah. Girl, i promise you that i will be there for you. Remember ? I am still here. Even if i am not wat u wanted or want.

Please just look at my very long never give up spirit and keep on got the good intention to become a better bf, just please don give up me please. I know i am pathetic. But i will stand up from my mistakes, each time i fall, it only make me more understand you and get to noe the real you. Feel all your pain that i never knew i have been giving you. I told you right ? I rather feel all these pain and become a better man. For you, not for other girls. I noe i break your heart lots of time, but now i feel your pain le. And it also hurt my heart alot. The feeling of you leaving me. Hurts and pain me. But it did not break my heart girl, althought there are scars all around my heat, but it only make my skin thicker to accept more pressure and make me a better guy and not making me fragile and weaker. I can say that i have change to a different person ever since i am be with you. And i really don wan to lose you. Cause you are my way of life, my future.

I noe i am slow but i will change. i noe i have say this so many time, but i did not once say i have enough of this and give up right ? So please give me this chance k. I don need you to wait for me. Cause i noe u are a strong girl, u have lot of things and goals to accomplish too. i don wan you because of waiting for me and stopping you doing all these things k. I don wan u now to pang nan peng you or if got the chance to pang fu. I don wan to be your burden. But please just give me the chance when the time is ripe k.

Karma, so doest it mean i suffer now and enjoy later, if this is the case i don mind at all. Let me train and be perfect for you. Not just only talk, but to show you.

ALJH 5ever !! No Pain, No Gain.

Here I am. Sitting here. Waiting.

Here I am. Sitting here. Waiting.
Waiting for time to pass. Waiting for something to happen. Cause i can't make things happen. I can only make things worse. So boring, so irritating, so frustrating. Why did things become things become this way ? I could have meet u and be going according to way I have plan. But here I am, sitting at a stairway. Staring blankly at nothing. Seeing ppl walking around. Couples all around. Hoping tat I got this little chance to see you out here. But I Noe that this is almost hopeless. Y man ? When I am so enthuse yet I can't do anything. I want to prove to u so badly . After being with me so long. Am I really already not worth waiting ? When I finally get wat you want, you changed. I don mind changing girl. But just don leave me behind. Please don't don't care me girl. Y ? Y did things turn out to be this way ? Talk to me please girl.

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The dome, plus pinic. Bring kite. Camera.

The dome, plus pinic. Bring kite. Camera.

The flyer, camera. Lunch outside. Ice cream.

Pet farm. Lunch at e hub or sushi restaurant near the cc. Catch a movie or bowling. Or go k box

Go to The central. Camera. Go to the roof. Have lunch there.

Go swimming. Or rollerblading. Go cp for lunch the wanton mee. Have dinner at the kopi Tiam downstair.

Go east coast cycling. And eat at there.

Go pulau bin cycling. Spend a day there.

Ice skating.

Go science centre. Maybe.
Go zoo.
Go bird park.

Ask about valentine day.

Remember the click. No controler to replay. So don't wait till lose le zai regret. For me is still have hope. I think.

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In the morning...

Woke up early, guess that is the best i can bah. How can someone sleep tight when his mind is full of trouble ?

Really got the urge to buy carrot cake for you girl. and ride to your place and pass it to u. Guess u are still at home now bah. 10.13am. But i got no confidence that u are ready to see me yet anot. I am afraid it will back fire. Am i chossing a right choice ? Tell me please girl.

Today really have a good weather, haizz... If we can meet, then i jiu can procced on with my plan le. Guess today can go either to the pet farm, or the dome for picnic.

All are just thoughts, but i really wan to do all. My body is better today le. But I am still thinking about us. Is this reallly the end now ? It seem so fast. Two weekend. Gone. Haizz...

Please call me when u are better or not tired of talking to me k. Please. Really need your call badly. At least let me woo u by the normal way please. Now is like i cant even move on with my plans at all. Please girl. I didt lie to you, when i say i love you girl. You are not my option girl, you are my only choice. And i always have time for you girl, it just that i never make good use of our time together. I never fooled you girl, it the truth that i love you.

At least let me do something to earn back your trust back ? Slowly. Let me prove myself.

It like talking to a way whe i type all this. But at least i can say it out. If not, i will just have too much in the head, and go hay wire. Zzz...

Please call me girl. Please. I really have things planned. i just hope i can execute my plans. So please just follow me. This is wat i want.

ALJH. No pain, No gain.

songs

Thks girl, introducing me the 2 song. I have listen le. And i get the songs meaning.
Parachute and Just a dream.

Finding things to do feel sucky. But i don wan to, Even when my head is so dizzy by the cold med, zzz... Cold sweat make me so cold. How i hope u can be my side. Wat have i become girl ? can u talk to me peacefully ? this is our problem, we cant solve it together anymore ? am i getting worse ? is it really my personality ?

Girl, u have grown up. U have change and still changing. And i don noe when will u stop changing cause i really wan to chase after and become who i wan to be. If i can change to wat i am now, which is good for the " older " you. I am confident that i can change to who i wan to be, so just let me chase after u. I am slow, u don have to stop there and wait for me, just slow down k. I will catch up one day. so please be patient with me. Cause my love for you is truth. and it had never been fading at all.

I just need some pressure sometime if u find that i am too slow k. Cause i noe i am lazy, and sometime i slack away. But if i really do good can u please touch my face and kiss my forehead and tell me that i have been doing great ? I really wan to be a kid infront of you, cause only infront of u i can really show the real me. I don like the me when i am with my friends and peers and even family. Cause all infront of them, i have a different role to be. But infront of u, i am able to take down all my responsibility and be the real me.

Maybe is because of this bah, i am to keen to be love by you, that y i relied on you so much and i started to forget my boyfriend role. I am sorry that i am sloppy k. But u just have to remind me k, it time for me to love you liao. I will give u my best k. Cause u are irreplaceable. and i hate to not be able to " feel " you. Cause this sucks.

I really don wan u feel pain, unwanted and unloved girl. U noe that i have change, so y not see wat can i change to ? sometimes when i stand in your shoe, i can understand your situation, but i cant feel the pain, It like u have not tell me all. It feel like even u are curse and swearing about me on the phone, but some where u are still not saying everything. Is it ? I wan to noe everything about you girl. Please.

Call me when u feel better k. Please.

Waiting patiently

Things are really going wrong in our relationship. And i noe that we are going to no way. Cause i never ask for patch and i never make any effort to woo u back. I noe u haven been sleeping well lately, solving friends problem too.

I really noe tat i am doing this at a wrong timing. And how much u have hated me as u had given me chances and chances. Square 1 , Square and square 1. I am sick and tired of the aquare le. I noe tat u are tired of it too. So i have seriously sit on my bed and think of a way, to procced on to " square 2 ". If not, we are going to no way and u are tired of waiting le.

My main problems are lazy, all say no do, not caring enough, not romantic enough, selfish, insensetive and inpatient. So i have think of a way, like a formula for me to follow with, so that i can use and follow wat i want and wanted to do, and make sure that i will do wat i say. And one more thing is that i will noe how do i do that day. I noe our problem is always " small matters " Stacking over another. Till it is big and unable to cover anymore. So before evey night, i send u home. I will ask u how i did during tat day. And i will note it down, good or bad, and wat is the problem that day. So i have a records of all my wrong doings and i can remind myself, wat thing to be change, or do better. Using my i phone. Cause i will be using my phone everyday.

That is my first plan, self reminder. Secondly, i noe that our problem is that, in our love life. It is too boring le. Everytime stay at home. Doing nothing but watching show and sleep. I noe i am always the lazy one, always lazy to go out and plus forgeting wat we planned, that we want to do. U are bored, and u are changing now. And u really wan to get a life. Clubbing, night life, at night go for supper and stuffs. So i have planned out a list of things that we once have said that we wanted to do and wrote it down on my iphone le. although it jsut a draft. But i seriosusly think the whole process through from the start i pick u from your home and stuff and continue the whole trip till the end. I really put my heart into the palnning and will make it even better. And i have make it a rule that every book out, i will bring u out for at least one day. As now friday is half day for me. I can make good use of saturdays and sundays. So The whole planning formula, i think i can make it better. I noe that u wont wan to think of me for the coming days, so i will make use the time to think of a better way to excute each task.

I have really tired of my own excuses, And i myself noe tat i am lazy. It like the death penaltym Knowing wat is wrong, yet i still kept on doing. I noe u are changing girl. But i really hope that one day, u can change back into the girl that hold me that tight and never let me go. And the only way to achieve that, is to doing to same thing to you. Give u my best. So i can recieve your best too. You may think that all the thing i type are crap bah. But all i wan is just a date k, to let me prove that i actually is putting my heart and soul to plan these things and prove it to u that the date will be awesome, and that i am really wanting to woo u back. I have feel the pain before le. And that is gona stop. Only i hold on to my future, and i dont wan to regret next time. I wan to live my life to the fullest, Just like wat u say, Love like tml is going to be the last day.

For now i will not disturb u k. I noe u really need the time, and i cant rush anything too. And i really have to get well asap. Bad to worst. I really wonder when then can i contact u. Or will u contact me ? how i hope we can still talk on phone and noe wat u have doing during the days. Fianlly get wat i want !! But i just let it go. I must take it back and hold it tight, i swear. Till my last day, cause i noe that. Seriously girl, You are the one. And i am glad that i get to noe u during that valentine day. U are seriously my only valentine. Hope u can just let me prove to u k. I am really doing and planning things for myself. All those bad and lousy habits gotta change or go.

May god bless me.

ALJH. No Pain, No Gain.

How?

How?

How can i woo u back? When I can't SMS you as much ? Can't talk on the phone with u ? Can't meet u during my bookouts ? Tell me please.

How can I sleep ? After 2 days of waiting , our converstation was just like this.

I hate tat I lie to my parents and friends. I can't share or tell my feelings to anyone... This is worse.

I am hungry and so hot. So lazy to eat. Zzz... Shld eat my meals. Zzz... y can't I just eat ? Zzz...

Sympathy ? Yes I need. Help ? Yes I need. But who can give me ?

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I can't scream, I can't shout, I wan pain and I wan to see blood. No more 忍. I wan to vent this anger. Wat can I do, can someone tell me. Ccb. This is maddness. _|_ I cannot revenge, I must find another way to vent it out. No more cry or tears. This is different. This feel fk up man. _|_ ahhhh........ Deep breath does't help !!! I won't call you, I don't want to look weak in front of u any more. This is stupid and redunden. Fk la.

I hate to be me, wat have I become? Is this the best I could ? I shld change now. If not, just let me had a big bang in my head, and let me forget everything. Let me restart everything for me. This is so painful, all those bad dreams, bad feeling, images of you clubbing, knowing new guys, drinking clubbing. I Noe u, but u have change. So I don Noe u le. Letting me Noe new girls? ask me go clubbing? Playboy ?since when I have been playing girls feelings, have flings all around. I noe myself. Zzz... So I am like this ? In your mind ? This is so painful. Salts on wound. I don have u anymore for support. I can only stand up. And it time for me to choose. No more Wishy washy. Fk la. This is so fasturting... I need time to pass fast, everything is too slow le. Zzz... ...

I have to plan everything. Zzz...
I am still me, can't let anger overcome me. Zzz... Love can't do anything at all now. Zzz... I won't tell anyone. I must depend on myself. Zzz... Like my older self. So much thing, so much responsibility. This feeling suck. Thoughts and thoughts.

Fk facebook, fk twitter. _|_

U regret telling u my thoughts. My dream. My feeling. All these thing back fire me. Making me more and more far away from u. I won't and don wan to lose u anymore. I will just zip my mouth. And think and work to win u back first.

If I still lose to other guys again. Then I will have to wake up my idea le. Zzz...

I hate losing...

Aljh. No pain, no gain.

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Seem like the cards are right. Guess I have to believe it bah. For now, I will have to get well first bah. Really high temp. Zzz... ... Guess the tiger is not a good year bah. Or I can't even blame that. I shld only blame myself. Fk it la. Feel like smoking man...

STRESS

... ...

I think I have to more things to feel new pain bah. Zzz... Tatoo bah...

Haha... Stupid, u are always selfish tat y u lose her. Lazy ass, u don even worthy of her. She will find a better guy and move on. U will just emo there and rot.

Zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz....… fk la.

Ccb.

Nb

NO MORE FKING CARE BEAR !!!!

_|_ _|_

Take it like a man ass....

Aljh

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Tarot card

Tarot card

Let see wether is the tarot card reading is truth... ...

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Me... The lousy asshole...

Inpatient, jealous, disappointed, pessimistic, angry, sad, blank, lost, worried.. So many feelings and thoughts. Killing me, scaring me, haunting me. But I have to be patient and wait. I an only blame myself. For being so overconfident... Again and again. I know this ia not my first time like this. Why do I always have to do these stupid thing everytime ? And ruin my chance. Zzz... Am I really that slow and stupid ?? Zzz... I am like throwing u away and away. And I am so stupid, there are times when u are actually trying to comfort me, but I just reject u because of my lousy mood. Haizz... Really ? Am I really not worthy of u girl?

Doing so many stuff today, parade, guitar, nights out, steal toilet roll from mo, buy Chinese new year decoration for my bunk, play psp, watch hawi o 5, so many stuff. But time just pass so slow. I can't sleep or rest. My thought is just why am I so weak? Do I really deserve you? Zzz...

I miss u girl. Miss your face, your smooth skin, miss your smell, the touch of your hair, your body warmth. Haizz... Even though u are comfortable when u are with me, but i can't give u the gentlemen ess of a boyfriend to u. I can't think of so much things tat I can do with u, yet everytime when I am with u, I just didt do it. Stupid me or wat ? Zzz...

God gave me a chance to have u back, yet I throw the chance back. Zzz... This is crazy... God shld give me more pain and hurt first before he give me back u. So tat I won't be tat over confident or wat. Fk man... How I hope u can slap me, and just hit whack me. Till I really get hurt and get your pain.

Are u back yet ? At home. Another night of staring at the window, at the orange sky. Just like tat night when I just lost u, when I just book in after wallaby. Eveything back to square 1 again. Or even worse. I make u feel like drinking again. And I am worried of u. I Noe I have no control on u now. But I just wan u to be safe. Tat is all i ask.

I shld just think more... more of me first. Then us. But I just miss u tat lots. At least find a way to solve or change my bad habits firsst. Before anything goes wrong again. Zzz...

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