21/07/15

Don't like to hear that you are sick. You always forget to take care of yourself. I want to remind you to take care of yourself, yet i have to force myself to restrain myself. U need the space to breath. Cause u are suffocating.

At least today we did message slightly more. I can feel the space u need is starting the healing for you. Maybe u feel not so restrain when i am not around you. You don't need to be the " adult" and for once u can be"alone" and feel free.

I think now, we both have to respect the space we had. For u, to breath and feel free. For me, to feel the restrain, pain and grow.

I know that u respect the post so much, so much so that i have read it every day i wake up. To set goals for myself, brainstorming the correct goals and strive for it.

I believe true love is hard to find. And if found, u got to try your best no matter how hard. Cause once it is lost, it will not come back.

Thanks for the talk. At least for now, i am at peace. I hope u are at peace too. Rest well dear.

20/07/15

I can feel... seriously... that i am losing my strength... everyday... little and little more... Everyday i wake up... i feel more tired... I can feel that my mood is sapping my strength.

I can feel the drastic change. I don't know that i am getting tired of life or i am just of myself.

I ask myself every morning, is it really me. Is it really my fault. OR is it really that we are uncompatiable.

Everyday, just waiting and waiting. For your message. Thinking what is running through your mind. Do i even run through your mind ?

Just like a lyric from a sad song.

It feel like we are really still in love yesterday, and today we are just like this. I was just planning what to do this coming week and the next moment we are not connected. Not in either world.

I could only just force myself to focus on my work. I cant wait to get a new job. So maybe could start a new life some how.

Is this really what u want ? or is this just a test for us ?
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I can hear two different voices. Deep in me. I had always known. The other me. The dominant one.

But maybe, it is mind over body. That i can supress it. Under. But somewhere. In my heart. I just feel like unleashing it.

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Was remembering the moment, where u download this app. Where we can sing and record our singing and share with others. As it was just recently, every time i hear that song, i could just see us. Singing into your phone. Recording the song and compare with the others. It was a good night.

Do you remember that night ?

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Second breakup

Second breakup. 16/07/15

This is the second time you have officially breakup with me. This time we are more mature. We actually see eye to eye on this. Although i did not want to let you go but i respect your decision. I shall not be selfish, and i should give myself a chance too. To see the world without you by my side. We shall give each other some time a part and see how things goes.

I may not always be the guy you wanted, but i have always love u truthfully.

This shall be a log sheet for me. Whenever i been through some events in my life and i think of you. I will try to record down the exact feeling i felt here.

This is for me to trace and track. And see how i really feel about you.

I always cannot express myself well. So maybe by typing down. I could have preserved and remember the exact feeling i felt at the moment. It would be like a Pensieve. Like in the Harry Potter world.

And since i could not share this with anyone. I choose to type it all out. If not, i will have explode.


16/07/15

I can't sleep well. Every hour i just can't wait to wake up. Every time i close my eyes, i would think about us. Everything we talk about, everything u said. I am always slow, had been thinking how i could have tackle some of the problem and issue. What i could have done at the moment of time. What i could have prevent. What i could have savage. What i could have been. Why did i have to choose to say that at the moment of time. Why i could not even try a bit more or putting a little more effort.

I am just plain lazy, i don't like changes. I like what i had planned. I don't like last minute changes. It is just like Shikimaru always said. Mendokusai.

So is it just me being lazy, or i just feel it is troublesome.

So i am bound to lose you. Is that it. What is the emptiness i feel now.

17/07/15

Second day of break up. Everyone at work is talking about you. Why... Why.... WHY... I want to avoid talking about this. I dont want to think about this. Why is everyone bring this up.

And this is the point where i found out, actually is had share so much things about you. You have always been in deep passion with Japanese. You have been learning Japanese. You are mix blood. You look so pretty.

I have always been so proud of you, I always want to boast about you. How good you are in your Japanese. How pretty u had always been.

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You called me twice. I can't believe it.

I have two missed call. I always hate that i cannot pick up your phone. It always been bad omen when i can't pick up your phone.


You have not been the luckiest person. I just don't want any bad to happen to you. No flasher. No chest pain. No faint spell. Please no bull shit. Cause i don't want the last thing i have with you. Is missed call. I would blame myself forever if anything happen to you.

I wonder what would we have spoken if i could pick up your phone.

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You have share an article. Read it. I can see and visualize what you want and need. I respect your idea. It is a good read. It will be here. As a reminder for me.

Title: Self Worth.

In a brief conversation, a man asked a woman he was pursuing the question: 'What kind of man are you looking for?' She sat quietly for a moment before looking him in the eye & asking, 'Do you really want to know?' Reluctantly, he said, 'Yes. She began to expound, 'As a woman in this day & age, I am in a position to ask a man what can you do for me that I can't do for myself? I pay my own bills. I take care of my household without the help of any man... or woman for that matter. I am in the position to ask, 'What can you bring to the table?' The man looked at her. Clearly he thought that she was referring to money. She quickly corrected his thought & stated, 'I am not referring to money. I need something more. I need a man who is striving for excellence in every aspect of life. He sat back in his chair, folded his arms, & asked her to explain. She said, 'I need someone who is striving for excellence mentally because I need conversation & mental stimulation. I don't need a simple-minded man. I need someone who is striving for excellence spiritually because I don't need to be unequally yoked...believers mixed with unbelievers is a recipe for disaster. I need a man who is striving for excellence financially because I don't need a financial burden. I need someone who is sensitive enough to understand what I go through as a woman, but strong enough to keep me grounded. I need someone who has integrity in dealing with relationships. Lies and game-playing are not my idea of a strong man. I need a man who is family-oriented. One who can be the leader, priest and provider to the lives entrusted to him by God. I need someone whom I can respect. In order to be submissive, I must respect him. I cannot be submissive to a man who isn't taking care of his business. I have no problem being submissive...he just has to be worthy. And by the way, I am not looking for him...He will find me. He will recognize himself in me. Hey may not be able to explain the connection, but he will always be drawn to me. God made woman to be a help-mate for man. I can't help a man if he can't help himself. When she finished her spill, she looked at him. He sat there with a puzzled look on his face. He said, 'You are asking a lot. She replied, "I'm worth a lot".

Send this to every woman who's worth a lot.... and every man who has the brains to understand!!

 
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Important events.


Today is the celebration for my grandfather's 80th Birthday. And my brother bought Yucky there. U won't believe how badly i want you to be there with me. My grandparents had been asking where are you. My aunts had been asking where are you. I did't even share a shit out since our breakup. I feel so helpless.

My only excuses is that today is Hari Raya. You went for visiting and you are not feeling well.

But that is not what i want. How badly that i wish i could turn the time back. If i could make u feel just a slighly better, will you have choose to come with me. How well i could feel.

I could have remember the time that you blame me for not being a gentleman. I would have get u food this time. Giving you the best part from the crab. Giving u the seafood fritters. How i wish u had been with me.

Why could't i been more smart yesterday. I could have prevented all these.